Alan Partridge quotes: The best lines from Steve Coogan’s character ahead of his return to the BBC tonight

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Tom Herbert25 February 2019

A-ha! Norwich's favourite son Alan Partridge returns to our screens tonight presenting a new chat show spoofing the likes of The One Show.

It's been more than 20 years since Steve Coogan's beleaguered alter-ego baffled guests on Knowing Me, Knowing You and fans are overjoyed at his long-awaited return to the BBC.

Six-part series This Time With Alan Partridge sees the hapless broadcaster tackle current affairs on a magazine-style chat show which aims to show the fictional broadcaster is "on message".

And ahead of Patridge's eagerly anticipated return to the Beeb, we take a look back at some of the best quotes and one-liners that could have only come from the man himself.

Stop getting Bond wrong!
BBC

"The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case, is football."

"Smell my cheese, you mother!"

“If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother.”

“The temperature inside this apple turnover is over 1,000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten Bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down.”

"'Sunday Bloody Sunday'. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think 'Sunday, bloody Sunday!'"

“The pace of the Megane is too leisurely to be called quick. Uphill runs become power sappingly mundane whilst overtaking National Express coaches becomes a long, drawn-out affair. Not my words, Carol, those are the words of Top Gear Magazine.”

"Well Sonja, that was classic intercourse."

When asked what his favourite Beatles album is: "Tough one. I think I'd have to say, the Best of The Beatles."

"Lynn, I’ve pierced my foot on a spike! It ruddy hurts like mad!"

"Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!"

"Stop getting Bond wrong!"

“You get all these wine people, don’t you? Wine this, wine that. Let’s have a bit of red, let’s have a bit of white. Ooh, that’s a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don’t know - basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of… mineral water.”

"Kiss my face!"

"Back of the net!"

"Right, I'll tell you an anecdote. In 1974 I was catching the London train from Crewe station. It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo! I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter career. He said, 'You jammy b******' and quick as a flash, I replied, 'Don't be blue, Peter! Needless to say, I had the last laugh."

“This chemical toilet is a Saniflo 33. Now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed-up Dundee cake. Let’s take a look. Not a trace. Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board."

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