Sir Ken Dodd's 10 best jokes: ‘I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her’

The legendary comedian died, aged, 90, on Sunday 
Emma Powell12 March 2018
The Weekender

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Sir Ken Dodd has been hailed an “education to watch” by fellow comedian Dara O’Briain while David Walliams claimed he had comedy ‘flowing through him like water’.

The late star cemented his status as a legendary entertainer with his full-on five hour shows, famous tickle stick and funny catchphrases.

Sir Ken clocked up decades in showbusiness, with his rib-tickling one liners and famous Diddymen as well as becoming a Guinness World Record holder for the world’s longest ever joke-telling session which lasted three and a half hours.

He died, aged 90, on Sunday following a lengthy battle with a chest infection.

In celebration of his iconic career, here are his best jokes:

1. I’ve seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.

2. Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.

3. Honolulu: it’s got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

4. I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

5. Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.

Ken Dodd - In pictures

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6. Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife’s nightie and say: ‘There’s the chest freezer you always wanted’.

7. The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

8. I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.

9. Regarding his famous tax fraud trial: I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

10. I thought it would be a good idea to go into politics. Maybe I am a little old. but you know, I’d love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer. That way I'll be united with my money.

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