An East End barman tried to ‘arrest’ Tony Blair this week for ‘crimes against peace’. So how hard can it be?

The intrepid Nimrod Kamer embarked on his own custodial spree, sex-shop handcuffs at the ready, to serve and protect the people of London
(Picture: Tom Bell
24 January 2014

If you want to citizen-arrest Tony Blair for war crimes you’d better carry a pair of sex-shop handcuffs in your pocket all the time, plus a handwritten citizen warrant and a citizen rendition order, just in case. Obviously it’s not likely that you’ll run into Mr Blair on any given bartending job but you might run into someone else you want to see in jail. Finding a reason to hold people in custody is easy. Look at Guantánamo Bay — several inmates are now randomly spending more than 13 years in there.

Once you’ve concocted a cause out of thin air, there’s no need to actually carry the person to a police station. Better ask a mate to fetch a copper to where you are, then hand over the assumed wrongdoer. Try to attach something heavy to their feet so they keep still. DJ  Twiggy Garcia just won £2,222 from ArrestBlair.org for putting his hand on Mr Blair (though at one point he let go and took off). Garcia’s girlfriend, Georgia Bronte, confirms that he is no longer working as a barman at Tramshed in Shoreditch following the incident.

Former US President Richard Nixon once said that if you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Try not to be a vigilante yourself, though. Bad people should know that it’s not the crime, or even the cover-up — it’s the showing-up in a public place and facing taxpayer justice.

(Picture: Tom Bell)

I went on a citizen arrest binge all over town, to become the custodian of old foes and future haters, as well as just odd-looking lads who came across me and seemed to me like they were about to commit something. I stopped and frisked countless individuals on a whim, ticking timebombs plotting their possible paths to citywide mayhem. Some of them I imagined were licence fee- or council tax-evaders, others were Asma Assad’s father, London-based cardiologist Fawaz Akhras, who is said to have given the Assad régime in Syria tips on how to end poverty (Google it). Is that a crime? Not for me to judge. I was just playing human-deliveryman for a day.

The Dorchester

This hotel on Park Lane had it coming. A citizen subpoena landed at its front desk, directed at owner Prince Azim of the state of Brunei. The prince is known to have paid Lindsay Lohan £100,000 to perform at his New Year’s Eve party in the hotel. A true débonnaire and débonn-heir. The problem is the Dorchester once charged me double for a fruit basket and then denied me access to the spa as a visitor and ignored my emails. Better be safe than worry. I left a fully signed letter with handcuffs in an envelope at the front desk, writing to Azim that he’s welcome to turn himself over to me anytime and I’ll escort him to the authorities when I’m not on vacation.

Cashpoints

Knightsbridge. In a district ruled by swine, all pigs are upward lycamobile. This area is known for gathering hooligans and local slime. I recently noticed some creeps trying to catch the sight of cashpoint pin numbers, at the HSBC machine opposite Harrods near Al Arez, my favourite restaurant. Life is shish, meal with it, sure, but not on my watch. I handcuffed a person overlooking the shoulder of someone taking £15 out of a machine. The dark, venal, incurably violent side of the SW1X character. We waited 10 minutes and then I let him loose after the person withdrawing money promised that he actually knew who he was. Relief.

(Picture: Tom Bell)

Assange

Another outlaw hiding in Knightsbridge is Juliano Assange. Someone had to do something about this guy. I managed to trace his whereabouts and rushed to the Ecuadorean Embassy. Police were already there. I didn’t understand why they’re standing inside the building and not doing anything. They refused to let me in. I was only trying to help, I cried. Then I chained myself to the fence for 45 minutes, trying to get Juliano to come out of his balcony, just like Eva Perón did at the time. She was never citizen arrested, to my surprise.

National TV Awards

The appropriate response to the National TV Awards, a non-Bafta illicit affair held in an oxygen bubble up the Jubilee line, is mass incarceration. I didn’t fall for the celebrities’ attempt to avoid me on and off the carpet. I chased footballers’ divorcée and EastEnders sweetheart Gary Lucy, whom I long suspected to be a hardened Bitcoin-launderer, all over the place. He denied any involvement and got away, just as I spotted Holly Willoughby, an ITV socialite. I used the excuse of a selfie-capture to capture her stone cold in the cuffs at the VIP entrance. Security released her. I said she might be wanted for grand larceny in rural Sussex. Then I moved on to detain five débutantes who quickly got angry. I had to show the cops that my cuffs are made of porn. Apparently it’s illegal to restrain people. It was awkward how the fuzz blamed me for doing them a favour.

Self-detention

My mates have to know whether I’m a crook. Well, I’m not. I’ve earned every cent. I handcuffed myself and brought me to a police station in East Ham. The deputy officer refused to process me. I told them how I unlawfully download TV shows via my ex-girlfriend’s computer. I even handed over a USB stick with two files on it: GIRLS (HBO) series 03 episode 02, The Good Wife (CBS) series 4 episodes 1. Still the officer refused to take me in, so I pretended I lost the keys to my cuffs. Off the cuff.

Read More

Create a FREE account to continue reading

eros

Registration is a free and easy way to support our journalism.

Join our community where you can: comment on stories; sign up to newsletters; enter competitions and access content on our app.

Your email address

Must be at least 6 characters, include an upper and lower case character and a number

You must be at least 18 years old to create an account

* Required fields

Already have an account? SIGN IN

By clicking Create Account you confirm that your data has been entered correctly and you have read and agree to our Terms of use , Cookie policy and Privacy policy .

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged in