Laura Craik on Bieber’s photo ban, the new nude and the end of the Osbournes

Our columnist takes on the latest trends
Laura Craik19 May 2016

Taking out the bins the other day, I pondered the best time in history to be a woman. “Probably now,” I figured, bin juice trickling down one arm. Then, because I am vacuous, I started pondering the best time in history to be a celebrity. “Definitely not now,” I decided. “Maybe in that golden age when Marilyn Monroe was celebrated for her hips and Liz Taylor could shout and swear at Richard Burton without it ending up on TMZ.”

Anyone in their right mind can see that being famous nowadays is dreadful. It might look fun, what with the diamonds and the mansions, but you’re just an animal trapped in a gilded cage, a circus freak illuminated in no light more edifying than the bright white glare of an iPhone, as some normal tries to sneak a selfie while you’re removing tuna from your back tooth. “I’m done taking pictures,” Justin Bieber recently announced on Instagram. “I wanna be able to keep my sanity... I realise people will be disappointed, but I don’t owe anybody a picture.”

No doubt about it: there are times when Bieber has been a prick. But now is not one of them. Predictably, the backlash has been huge, because why feel sorry for a 22-year-old with a personal fortune of $200 million? It’s impossible, right?

Rich people get me jealous, too. Living in London, you’re never more than four feet away from a rat or a Porsche Cayenne. But we all have to rub along together. And — mainly — we do. Unless said people are famous. Add “celebrity” to the equation and even the most nonchalant city dwellers can turn into crazies, phones whipped out for a trophy fanpic. I’ve done it — last year I got one with Kate and Cara.

But as Bieber has twigged, one of the few things money can’t buy is sanity. And that baby needs to be preserved at all costs — certainly at the cost of your fans. Mental illness is no respecter of fame, money or status. People forget that, but it’s worth remembering.

Dresssing naked

Summer: traditionally a time to expose the flesh and get as naked as common decency and one’s own body hang-ups allow. Or… not. The new naked look isn’t about flesh-flaunting at all: it’s about donning a flesh-hued tube dress or body — the tighter the better — for an effect that is best described as Condom Couture. Or make that Kondom Kouture, since its chief proponents are the Kardashians.

In the pantheon of tricky trends, this is one of the toughest, mainly because it’s so unforgiving to both body and undergarments. But if you fancy it, look to Gigi Hadid for a masterclass.

Oi Ozzy

However wild, promiscuous and hellraising they might be in their youth, all men settle down in the end. Unless they’re Ozzy Osbourne. “I’m 63 years of age and I can’t keep living like this,” Sharon said on a US talk show, after finding out claims that her husband of 34 years has been having an affair with a Beverly Hills hairdresser.

Living with the threat of infidelity is bad enough in your pert, taut 20s, but in your twilight years, it’s an indignity too far. It’s why Jo Wood finally dumped Ronnie, aged 54, and why Jerry Hall ditched Mick after 23 years. Still, Ozzy and Sharon are one of the ultimate love stories, their split is one more nail in the coffin of enduring love. Ozzy isn’t proving his virility; he’s proving there’s no fool like an old fool.

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