Hell is being single at someone else's wedding

12 April 2012

At a friend's recent wedding, a major advantage of being married suddenly dawned on me.

Sure, commitment and taking out the bins together sounds lovely, but so far for me, it's always been in a not-just-yet-thanks way. As I sat down at the singletons table though, I realised that nowhere is a spouse more necessary than at someone else's nuptials.

Marry, and you will never again be obligated to attend on your own. When couples draw up their guest lists, they will be forced to give you the plus-one that mere dating does not always demand. For weddings, like fighting zombies, are a strength-in-numbers ordeal - you are far more likely to emerge unscathed if there is someone there to share it with you.

Someone who will split the bill for the £99 heart-shaped Le Creuset casserole dish you were forced to buy because there was nothing else left on the John Lewis list. Someone who will stay with you in a damp-ridden hovel seven miles from the venue because you weren't quite organised enough to book a room five months in advance. Best of all, you will no longer be banished to the table of the unattached for the meal.

The seating-plan can, of course, be the couple's opportunity to get revenge on any guest. Never liked Cousin Sue? Peeved that you've spent £35 on her food? Put her next to that elderly family friend with the chronic halitosis and a roving eye.

In my experience, though, always turning up to weddings solo ensures you get more than your fair share of nightmare neighbours. I spent one wedding supper next to a man who spoke only about himself and wore so much hair product that he looked like he had dipped his fringe in lard (the table collectively re-christened him Lard Head). At another, I was squished between two accountants who couldn't resist talking shop. Even when married couples are separated, they will at least have someone they can make subtle "kill me now" faces to across the table.

As a solo guest, you are also at risk of the bride and groom trying to set you up. For there is nothing like a wedding to bring out someone's inner Mrs Bennet. The match-making is well-intentioned, and trying to spread the love on their Big Day probably seems natural. The problem is that it is usually a flop, and you spend the next two hours wishing to be somewhere - anywhere - else.

When your unwanted date is particularly awful you wonder how your friends could possibly imagine you would be interested. Then you start to worry that this is the best they think you can do. On the off-chance you meet someone and there's a mutual attraction, it can still be uncomfortable. Half the table will be watching to see if you hit it off.

The idea that weddings are the perfect place to find a partner is a big lie, anyway. Not only are they strangely unromantic, but for reasons I've never understood, everyone comes as though dressed for Ascot: ill-fitting suits for the gents and a sea of taffeta with vile fascinators and twee tiny handbags for the ladies.

While it's inevitable that a celebration of coupledom is geared towards the paired-up, the bride and groom might be wise to give a little more thought to guests without a ring on their fourth fingers. Otherwise, when their single friend does make it down the aisle, they may well find themselves sitting next to Lard Head.

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